just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
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My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”