Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

*has no idea what a book even is*

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

Before crowbars crows drank alone

serving silly goose instead of turkey

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably