Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
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“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Love is always patient and kind.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.