Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
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With this onion ring, I thee fed
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once