Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
You Might Also Like
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Are you ok, human???
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.