just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
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Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
the three branches of government
broke down and did it
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
