just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
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Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
New tinder profile pic
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.