Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 ways to appear taller

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

how much for the angry fruit?

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.

Rookie move.

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!