just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
![]()
You Might Also Like
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*