just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
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This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Matthew was born for this.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”