just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
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Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Cheer up.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.