Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now

What are WE?
WRITERS!!!

What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!

When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.

See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting