Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
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6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does