Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

[having a little snack before bed]

Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

dude it’s called proctologist

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

still the best tweet of the year by far

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.