just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
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The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.