just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
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Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Oh my god
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I put the I in Insufferable.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days
i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.