Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Doggies just call it style.
They did not think through this water fountain
