Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
