Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
What’s a Messi?
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Ah yes. The three genders
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
5 ways to appear taller
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
