Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
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Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
(yawn)
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Roombas should bark
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene