Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
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All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.