Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
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My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.
Safest bet I ever made.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup