Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
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Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Choose your fighter
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…