Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding

me: WHO IS HE

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

waiting for halloween be like:

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.