Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
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[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.