Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
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Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
how long have you had this for?
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.