Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
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[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.