Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
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Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
My friend is an excellent librarian.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Family Celebrity
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
any last words?
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat