Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?

date: I come from old money

me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.

I need better friends

My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.

She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

me: *ordering an orange juice*

8yo: does it have pulp?

me: I’m not sure

8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way

🤣

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

ME: I’ll take it

AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here

ME: perfect

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun