The networks need to change the phrase “Breaking News” to “Now What?”
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Rage eats candy
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Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
You mix your whiskey with Coke, I mix mine with poor life choices.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Dad: Where were you?
Earth wire: Hanging out with live and Neutral
Dad: You grounded
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!