Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

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The networks need to change the phrase “Breaking News” to “Now What?”


[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here


You mix your whiskey with Coke, I mix mine with poor life choices.


Dad: Where were you?

Earth wire: Hanging out with live and Neutral

Dad: You grounded


My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.


“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”


I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.


my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”


Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!