@KLBChicken

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

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@IGotsSmarts

The networks need to change the phrase “Breaking News” to “Now What?”

@kacisuewho

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

@ChabbyD

You mix your whiskey with Coke, I mix mine with poor life choices.

@xysist

Dad: Where were you?

Earth wire: Hanging out with live and Neutral

Dad: You grounded

@3sunzzz

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

@SkinnerSteven

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

@juneohara65

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

@arealliveghost

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

@mrtruthandsoul

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!