Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
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Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.