Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart