Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

All set.

Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

😂👽

What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it