Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

i guess his teacher was really pissed

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

🙀🙀🙀😹

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

[on my deathbed]

“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”

*dies*

No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

A small tragedy.

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.