Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
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You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said