Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
This headline is a thing of beauty
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?