Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

*Watching Friday the 13th VII*

GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?

Me: Yeah.

GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack