Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

marvel comics have peaked

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

Practicing safe sax

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

2022 will be better than 2021

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a 10, but imaginary

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]