Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
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i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Saturday
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
seems like a niche market
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.