Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
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My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what