Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…

What’s the loudest pet?

A trumpet.

#PetDay

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

“Good luck tomorrow.”

* Me confusing a random stranger *

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

This dude got his own movie?

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom