Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

[first day in the crime lab]

me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists