Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
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Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time