Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
