Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
You Might Also Like
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
i would wish you the best but i am the best
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?