Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
