Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
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Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.