Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
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Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there