Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
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if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling