Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
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I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.