Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
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I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
My support group can outdrink your support group.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.