Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
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Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.