Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.