Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
You Might Also Like
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
making sure he doesnt get away
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I need to update my racial profile.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.