Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

I can turn wine into a one night stand.

Your move Jesus.

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

Tremendous stuff

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

idk what he going thru but i feel him

it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

When does CPR become necrophilia?