Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
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If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
My current situation
the three genders
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
every. time.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”