Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
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Lo AND behold? in this economy?
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late