just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
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I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”