just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
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I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.