A Short Story.
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“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.