Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

me: sorry this place is such a mess

her: it’s my house

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*