Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.

*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

Received some very disappointing news today

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.