just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
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So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
me when i see my girls butt
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I came this close!!!!
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.