Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
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Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
do horses think humans are hats
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Tier 3 meme
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Kids, do not try this at home!
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.