Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
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Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?