Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

The Universe can have my atoms back.

I don’t want them anymore.

At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

The woke left? Without saying goodbye?

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.