Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
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Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.