Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”

From my Mom

There’s no “u” in narcissist

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.

I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.

As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this