Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

😂

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

For the ones in the back.

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

I’m not stressed

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]

11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.

Me: What class is this for?

11: I haven’t started yet.