Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.