Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

How and why my FUR ROOM exists

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

My background check bounced.

Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”

Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.