Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

#Caturday

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.