Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
You Might Also Like
Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.