Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
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Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
HR said no more nunchucks.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
sigh
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
anyone else like Italian cereal
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.