just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Got a light
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Alexa turn off the planet
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
There are no pants in heaven.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
