just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
![]()
You Might Also Like
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
When libraries troll their patrons.
![]()
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.