Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
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I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger