Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

LMAO.

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

2023 was just a warmup

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.

[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.