Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
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I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
I bet
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tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
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I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
me linking you to my twitter
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Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.