Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
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[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Life cycle of cat
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.