Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
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[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
just got my engagement photos
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I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
an octopus is just a wet spider
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]