Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

M: so I’ve been thinking

*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

I am laughing way too hard at this.