Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!

Will you be my 14th most used emoji?

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

calling in to work dehydrated

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.